Very Late At Night

Twenty Five Is Too Young

2006-03-03T16:50:00.000-08:00

I have spent many days since my last posting doing the math and I have decided that twenty-five is too young. Many of my friends informed me, "He is younger than...(fill in the blank)." I think I could have met up casually with him in Big Major City if we hadn't talked so much on the phone. I know this is messed up but indulge me here for a moment. He is smart, sweet, and earnest and I just don't think he could handle a casual encounter. He wants something serious. This is crazy I know. We have seen each other once. He is also in a very different place. He wants that intense twenty-something girlfriend. I have already done that and then some.

What do I want? A man that is not having a quarter life crisis. A man who has worked through his committment issues. A man ready to make a life and a future with me. A man who is smart, funny, in his thirties, and has a plan. If you know of such a man you know where to find me.

Too Young Part II.

2006-02-25T20:50:00.000-08:00

Well, I have learned some interesting things about straight women, straight men, and gay men (this is my social network in Nowhereville) as I attempt to make a decision about Mr. 25.

The scenario so far. Mr. 25 and I have had some intense im-ing sessions. Flirting in the highest order. We had one sweet converation. He seemed very young but entertaining. I am under an enormous amount of stress at this moment. I am trying to finish a book manucript which I see as my ticket out of here. I am in the worst academic department in America. I am in the last stages of a long distance relationship. Mr. 25 is such a nice diversion from all this. He has proposed that we meet in person in Big Major City in three weeks. (I have been invited for a talk at Fancy University in Big Major City.) I am not sure how I feel about meeting up in person.

1. He is 25.
2. He lives on the coast, I live in Nowhereville.
3. I did not expect my "on-line" world become part of my real life.
4. I am technically in a committed relationshp.
5. What could I really have in common with a 25 year old?
6. He is 25.
7. He is 25.
8. Etc.

A lot of drinking and advice giving has occured here in Nowhereville by friends. It is interesting how folks weighed in on the decision.

Straight women across the board discouraged me for the following reasons:

1. I should not toy with the affections of a 25 year old that is pursuing me.
2. If I slept with him, I would regret it.
3. I should be spending my energy looking for a serious relationship.
4. Mr. 25 is the same age as many of my undergraduates.
5. It would never go any where.

Gay men encouraged me for the following reasons:

1. It would be good sex.
2. It would be a refreshing fling.
3. He could be my boy-toy.
4. Sex is not the same as love.

Straight men encouraged me as well. (One "friend" then propositioned me. We will no longer be friends.)

1. It would be "friends with benefits."
2. It could be a purely sexually relationship.
3. Sex is not the same as love.

Interesting.

Too Young?

2006-02-21T17:26:00.000-08:00

This summer I was waiting for the train. The air was thick from the heat and humidity. I just wanted to get to my destination. The train finally arrived and I was relieved to settle into the air conditioned car. I was reading. A man in the next seat struck up a conversation. In general I am very standoffish. Too many encounters with the nasty type. This man was charming. We talked about real estate, music, etc. We exchanged business cards and I thought nothing of it because he was TWENTY-FIVE! He got off at his station. Afterwards, the woman in front of me turned around and stated flatly, "He was flirting with you."

Fast foward six months later. He emails out of the blue. We exchange a few emails. He finds out that I am several years older than he is. I am in my early thirties. He stops emailing. Whatever. He surfaces again. We email and then begin instant messaging. We have a lot in common. However, he is on the East Coast and I am in Nowhereville. Also, again, he is TWENTY-FIVE! He is the same age as some of my undergraduates. Any thoughts?

The Event of the Season Part I

2006-02-18T22:03:00.000-08:00

As many of you may know from your own experiences, single datable men (this may require another posting) are a scarcity in college towns. This is definately the case here at Nowhere University. I have several girlfriends here who are single and looking. Fortunately, the social life here in Nowhereville is not too bad. I socialize regularly with a group of junior faculty. In this group we have two married couples, two women in long distance relationships, one single gay man, and three single women. The single folks are actively looking for a partner of some sort.

This weekend, we introduced someone new into our circle. A friend of mine came to visit. We went to grad school together and have been friends for a long time. Our friendship is not typical for me. I am very much about regular contact usually over the phone and in person. But with grad school friend (GSF), we rarely talk and we see each other infrequently but we have a great friend chemistry. So when we do get together we have a great time. I was happy that he would be here during a social event. And I was happy to take him as my guest.

We were celebrating a friend's birthday and a lot of effort and planning had gone into the event. Food, cake, presents, dancing--it was the event of the season and fifty people turned up. GSF and I had spent a leisurely day hanging out and a party was the perfect thing for a day of leisure. It had been a while since I had a houseguest and it was fun to get ready for a party with someone else. GSF is also a man that appreciates women and not in a disrespectful way. He was full of compliments. I put on a party dress, he was in a jacket and tie and we left for the party.

By the time we arrived, the party was in full swing. It was interesting to arrive at a party in Nowhereville on the arm of man. And for the record, GSF is a nice looking man. We recieved looks that were both approving and knowing. GSF is a gentleman. He brought me a drink, he was solicitous. I admit it was really nice but not in a sexual way. We are affectionate but in a "we made it through grad school way." I had a number of people ask about GSF and the nature of our relationship. It was clear that it would have made people comfortable if he and I were partnered up. (I still don't understand this pressure in Nowhereville). Actually, while it was nothing calculated, I thought GSF would enjoy meeting some of my single girlfriends. He was soon the center of attention.

Of a More Personal Nature

2006-02-18T21:38:00.000-08:00

When I first starting blogging (I have blogged under a few other pseudonyms), I had a "academic blog" and a "personal blog." Increasingly, I found this split personality approach to blogging confining. I realized that in many ways it was impossible to separate the two. I also realized that the blogs that I identify with (early career academics) and enjoy reading (Profgrrrl, New Kid, and Dr. Crazy are a few notable examples) are a blend of the two. So even though I am still very much concerned with maintaining my anonymity, I am going to blog a little more about my personal life.

Back in Nowhereville

2006-02-18T21:14:00.000-08:00

Well, I am back from the last of my campus visits at a R1 University in very snowy city in the Northeast. It is interesting how different it is to be interviewing with a job. When I was first on the market, I was so desperate to please, to demonstrate how I would fit in. What I want from this job search is to find a better place that will professionally advance my career, while it is difficult at Nowhere University, I want to leave for the right reasons instead of just for a way out.

It was an interesting campus visit. In many ways the department looks like my present institution. A top-heavy tier of full professors who earned their Ph.Ds before I was born. Two associate professors and one assistant professor and the position I was interviewing for. They were on their best behavior. The starting salary is comparable to what I make now. It is a 2/2 teaching load. There is research money. It is the flagship state school so undergraduate and graduate admission is fairly selective. However, I wonder if it would really be a improvement of my current situation? Would the senior folks (all men) have the same narrow world view as my current colleagues. Would I be the token person of color? It is an all white department. How would settling down in a new place affect my writing and teaching? Keep in mind that Nowhereville is the third move in four years. Should I stay with the evil I know?

In the Office

2006-02-12T16:56:00.000-08:00

I feel depressed. Nearly all the people I know here in Nowheresville are in the office working tonight (including me). Is this normal or is this a particularity of this college town? How do other folks manage their work/private time? Is there some way to keep the two separate?

I Hate Graduate Students (Some of them)

2006-02-12T01:26:00.000-08:00

I have a graduate student who is contesting her grade. I gave her a C which I thought was generous. She is probably fifteen years older than I am and is an instructer at a near by state college. Thoughout the semester she has constantly attempted to undermine my authority in the classroom and on email. On email she offers me teaching advice. (I need to be nicer) In class she complains that the readings and the course itself is lacking in content. She also offers me personal advice. She recently told me that if I didn't have a child soon, I would miss my window and wind up old and alone. She also comments on my wardrobe. "You don't dress like a professor." Translation: You do not wear shapeless clothing with birkenstocks. She also leaves religious tracts in my mailbox with a post-it note with her name and a smiley face on it. She also has told the chair of my department that I smoke on the fire escape outside our office suite.

She is contending that I as a person of color--am anti-white, therefore, the C I gave her represents discrimination against her as a white woman.

1. Guess what? All your classmates were white and several of them received "A"s.
2. You did not follow instructions for your research project. You wrote the paper THAT you wanted.
3. You missed 6 out of the 14 classes sessions
4. You did not facilitate a class discussion. You didn't inform my why you could not fulfill this obligation. You just didn't come to class.
5. I know that you feel that you are a professor. You have more teaching experience than I do. More children. More ugly outfits. But hey, I have a Ph.D and you don't.

Only problem is that she is the pet student of the chair of my department.

Feeling Smug

2006-02-07T18:50:00.000-08:00

Ok, I know it is not wise to feel smug or to display smugness so I have been hiding my smugness all day and I finally have a chance to share it. In my terribly fraught department here at Nowhere University, my senior colleagues for different reasons behave badly. I had an awful first year on the TT and went on the market this year for a few jobs I thought I would be competitive for. As a courtesy, I let my chair know that I had campus visits and asked that this information be kept confidential. What is the chair's response? The chair sends out a mass emai to the department listserv detailing where I was interviewing. In a meeting today, Prof. Foul Breath of the previous post asked me in front of the entire department why I would be willing to leave Nowhere University for a third rate institution like University X. There was a long silence. GET THIS. Senior woman colleague received her Ph.D. from University X. I wisely said nothing. Senior woman colleague was furious. (I now know what it means to have the blood drain from someone's face.) She said icily, "The last time I checked, University X was a R1 institution." Then the meeting ended. I am staying out of this. Is it bad that I feel so smug about this?

Dear Senior Colleague,

2006-02-06T09:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Senior Colleague,

While I am deeply impressed by the fact that you started this department back in the day, you do nothing for your reputation when you behave like a beast. Do not yell at the work study students when you cannot remember your copy code. When you yell at our very nice undergraduate female workers not only do you demonstrate that patriarchy is alive and well, you also make them cry, which is not cool. Moreover, as your junior female colleague it is also not appropriate for you to shout at me because you cannot operate the copier. Please know that the copier is oftentimes a mystery to me as well. If you were willing to learn how to email and to use BLACKBOARD, you would not have to make copies at all. Finally, if you are going to shout at your junior colleague, please do so from a distance. Not only is your breath foul, your shouting/spitting will require her to dry clean her favorite sweater which is quite expensive in Nowhere Collegetown.

Best Regards,

EJNW06

Why Are Single Women Considered Scary

2006-02-05T21:04:00.000-08:00

I love the Superbowl. That is I love to run errands while the Superbowl is on. Generally, in Nowhere Collegetown, running errands means running into students and colleagues. Given my desire for some degree of anonymity, I really don't want to share that the only items in my shopping basket are a bottle of Sapphire gin and microwave popcorn. Today, however, the Superbowl provided the perfect opportunity to go to Target! Unfortunately, I ran into a senior colleague of mine. As you well know I have had a difficult time with the senior people in my department. This particular colleague prides herself on her struggles during the feminist movement of the 1970s. Her understanding of feminism is deeply rooted in a white middle-class identity that can only incorporate women of color as "third world women." This is all well and good except that I am a woman of color who is American born who does not fulfill her desire for first/third world solidarity. Despite her very public persona as a feminist, she has been deeply invested in finding a "boyfriend" (her word) for me. Interestingly, she has not been the only colleague who has attempted to set me up. Some observations,

1. Isn't it problematic to assume the sexual orientation of your junior colleague? While I do date men, one should not assume. You know what happens when one assumes.

2. Why are thirty-something single men in academia considered and asset and thirty-something women considered a liability?

3. While I can understand that people who are partnered up like to socialize in couples, why does this mean that single people, specifically women are oftentimes left out of the loop in collegetown social circles? Or why is it when I am invited and I chat with men, their female partners swoop in to mark their territory. Don't worry girlfriend, I don't want your man.

4. Why is it that senior colleagues, office administrative staff, and graduate students (the outrage!) feel free to lecture me about my biological clock and suggest that I try online dating?

5. Why is it that in terms of setting me up the only criteria is that the dude be single? Guess what? Being single is not enough! I would like to have something in common with a person I would date.

6. Why is it ok for senior colleagues and partnered colleagues to inform me that given the dating scene in Nowhere Collegetown, that I shouldn't be too picky?

7. Finally, just because I don't offer you the details of my personal life or wear a ring of some sort does not mean that I am not involved with someone. Perhaps it is none of your business!

Indecent Proposal

2006-02-05T09:25:00.000-08:00

Another Saturday night in the big city. After my somewhat productive morning, I blew off the rest of the day, which brings me to a few thoughts.

1. Do any academic folks take the weekend off? If I go with anecdotal evidence, it seems that everyone I know---partnered, single, with/without children work through the weekend and if not, feel incredibly guilty about it. Guess what? This is not the norm. I have been thinking about this on and off for about a year. While this schedule of working around the clock was acceptable while I was in grad school because the Ph.D. was the compensation, is tenure the reward this time around? Let's do some math. On any average week, I work (grading, reading, writing, teaching, meetings and more meetings, administrative work, office hours, dealing with graduate students) between 70-75 hours. This sounds shocking but I think this is the norm for many junior folks. Thus given my salary (low given that I live in MIDDLE OF NOWHERE) I make roughly $13 an hour and some change before taxes and other deductions. A Ph.D has led me to $13 an hour.

I am anticipating that I wll get a number of the "joys of intellectual life," "flexible schedule," and "just say no" arguments in response to my wage calculations. The amount of time I spend dealing with administrative issues leaves very little time for any intellectual life and as a junior person in my situation, it is impossible to say no to requests by senior colleagues, lest it turn up in my annual review that I am uncollegial (which is precisely what happened last year). Hmmm---flexible schedule. Yes, I agree it is wonderful to have some measure of autonomy over my schedule in terms of when I want to work. However, like for many other people, this flexible schedule had become decidedly unflexible in that one winds up working all the time and that this flexible schedule without clearly demarcated working times renders our working time invisible. I believe that this is a key reason why junior folks work so many ours. Our "flexible" schedules deceive us into thinking we have more time than we really do. We think we can squeeze in one more student, one more meeting, one more project, etc. So my question here is what is an acceptable working schedule and how many hours do you work in a given week? What does your schedule look like? What is the reward here?

2. After lunch yesterday, I had plans to work through the afternoon and then maybe go out for a drink. I graded some papers, watched some TV and decided it was too cold to go out. However, I managed to watch the last half of Indecent Proposal which I have never seen. (I wonder why there are so many movies with Demi Moore on---so late at night). For those of you who have not seen this little gem---A happily married couple( Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson) who are in a financial bind encounter Robert Redford, a multi-millionaire who is willing to give them one million dollars if Demi is willing to sleep with him. She sleeps with him and the repercussions of this damages her marriage and she becomes involved with Robert Redford until she realizes that is is Woody Harrelson that she really loves. Ok, Woody Harrelson over Robert Redford? I haven't put it all together yet, but my thoughts about this movie have something to do with my observations about junior faculty work schedules. As soon as I figure it out, I will post.

Saturday Morning Writing

2006-02-04T11:37:00.000-08:00

Today I started a new writing strategy. I get up and immediately start writing and after 200 words make coffee. No email, no TV, no NPR, just writing. This was advice from a friend who just finished a book manuscript. I managed to get to 942 words before I felt like I had nothing more to say. It was a productive two hours. Generally, I write with either the radio (NPR) or the TV on for background. I had convinced myself that it was just white noise but perhaps silence is the best way to write. Beginning Feb 6, 2006, I am going to shoot for a 1000 words a day for six days a week on the manuscript until June 1, 2006.

On another note, I am now obsessed with finding out who else is interviewing at the place I just had campus visit at. Obsessed to the degree that I lost an entire evening trying to figure it out on the internet. (Someone on the search committee told me the topics of the other two talks). I wonder how academics wasted time before the internet. Off for a shower and lunch out as a reward for writing instead of sleeping in on a Saturday morning.

Why I Haven't Posted for Over Two Weeks Despite My Resolution to Post Regularly

2006-02-03T18:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the best laid plans fall apart. As previously mentioned, I am a junior person in a very dysfunctional department. So dysfunctional in fact, that I went on the market for a small number of jobs this year. This was not ideal. I wanted to go on the market during my third year review and with a book contract but things were so grim last year in my department, I feared that I would not make it to my third year review. I am in a department where the senior tier of folks founded the department in the 1970s. While many are supposedly in semi-retirement, they are unwilling to let anything go. They don't publish, they don't keep up with the field and are also trapped in the throes of 1970s white liberalism. After a difficult year, I decided that I needed to have an out at least psychologically, so I went on the market for jobs I would actually consider. This is my dilemma, it looks like things are going to improve in my department, we have a new chair and we have hired new junior faculty, and a very supportive colleague who was on leave has returned. But, I am also in the running for a number of jobs at other campuses which are all lateral moves geographically, status, etc. Do I hedge my bets that things will improve at my current institution or should I leave. This is a bit premature since I am waiting to hear about final decisions. I just returned from the last of my campus visits all packed into the last three weeks which is also the reason I have not posted. Any thoughts?

Nostalgia

2006-01-13T22:38:00.000-08:00

On a Friday night in the middle of nowhere, I have been sucked into St. Elmo's Fire which came out when I was in junior high. At the time, I remember thinking that the movie was so "deep." I felt that it captured all my adolescent angst in a way I could not articulate. How I ever thought that St. Elmo's Fire expressed the deep workings of my soul is beyond me. (Ok, it did satisfy my crush on Andrew McCarthy). However, watching it again in my thirties, it does offer some things to think about.

1. The fragility of friendships
2. The heartache of loving the wrong person
3. The danger of sleeping with friends
4. College was a magical time full of possibilities
5. The 80s represented a very bad fashion moment

The Book

2006-01-13T21:57:00.000-08:00

One of the greatest anxieties I have is publishing. While I have a few refereed articles, the book is of the utmost importance for my career. At this point I have spent nearly a decade of my life on this project. (It began as an undergraduate thesis). However, I just am NOT INTERESTED in it anymore. I have moved on. Yet, this project has to be my first book. I cannot seem to work up any enthusiasm for revising my dissertation. There is enormous pressure in my department for me to complete a book manuscript as soon as possible. I find this pressure both unbearable at times and ironic. Ironic because it comes from individuals who have not published since the 1980s. (I am in a department where senior full professors outnumber junior faculty significantly).

In addition to this pressure, the climate of my department could be best described as toxic. There is little to no mentoring and my most useful function is to be an identifiable person of color. In many ways, it has been made clear to me that I was part of a diversity intiative at the university (i.e. not qualified for the position). This has worked to undermine my confidence in what I do. I was naive enough to think that I landed this job based on merit. I have a Ph.D. from a prestigous university, publications, national awards, teaching experience, etc. but somehow this is not enough for my colleagues who are all white.

Delurking

2006-01-12T21:39:00.000-08:00

After much prompting I am going to delurk and begin posting. I am an assistant professor in the second year of a tenure track job at a large R1 university in the middle of nowhere. At one point I thought that a tenure track job would be everything I wanted. I was mistaken. At the same time, I am finding that there is very little "space" for me to articulate any of my misgivings about this life I have chosen. Thus, this blog.